Zoom Counseling
We’re into the second week of the Great Hunkerdown of 2020. Most pastors I know have spent the last week reworking their churches into some kind of new virtual reality. But we all know that pastoral counseling needs are out there awaiting our attention. And not just a corona-related crisis. People had problems before we went into hibernation and those problems won’t go away. In fact, social distancing will more likely exacerbate issues. People lack familiar escape routes that have helped them cope with stress and difficulty. Often the people who are the most tempting to us are the people we’ll be sheltering in place with. And ongoing isolation rarely helps anybody.
So, pastors will be counseling during the corona crisis. The question is, how do we do it? To quote Jeff Purswell’s excellent post from a couple of days ago,
As those who will give an account for the ones entrusted to our care, we must think carefully about how we discharge our pastoral responsibilities—and, importantly, not just the content of our ministry, but our methods—and never more so than in a time of crisis.
Jeff is talking about the public ministry of the church in its corporate gatherings. We need to be equally as thoughtful in our personal ministry of the word in pastoral counseling. The following are some thoughts that may help you serve your folks well in the area of pastoral counseling during the corona lockdown.
Mode
So how should we do it? Let’s start with this: email is the worst. Don’t use email conversation for any counseling on serious or complicated issues. This deserves its own post, but let’s just keep it simple. Don’t use email to counsel. If somebody emails you with a counseling issue, set up a time to talk. Texting and other kinds of real-time social media communication are slightly less unhelpful because at least you can have a real-time conversation. But in a time where we can’t reinforce our care through personal contact let’s be careful trusting our thumbs to communicate our hearts.
So that leaves phone calls and video chats. Most of us have done enough pastoral care over phones to know the strengths and weaknesses of that medium. I think people most people will extend a particular grace this season talking about difficult things over the phone. The biggest issue I have with phone counseling is that one of our most significant face to face assets - the value of silence to let the Spirit apply truth - gets really squirrelly on the phone. When I’m on the phone I’m more prone to fill those silences with whatever pops into my head in the moment. Not good. Also, the absence of visible body language and facial expressions means we are entirely dependent on content delivery. That’s dicey. So be wise with the phone.
The remainder of this post will focus on video counseling - FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, etc. This medium is being used more and more in the counseling world. The jury is still out on the quality of the experience. My guess is that the more people live interactively on screens, the more comfortable they’ll be opening up their lives this way. Don’t assume that translates into good counseling, at least as we are called to do it as pastors. But right now it is a tool, maybe even a gift, that we can use in soul care.
Method
So how do we handle video counseling? First, recognize the attention span limits of video. In his Zoom talk about caring for the church on March 19, Mickey made the excellent point that attention span drops significantly after about an hour on a video chat. So you need to plan for a meeting where you can get caught up, have good dialogue, provide care and then close in a loving, patient and caring way - in about 60 minutes. That’s a tall order. To limit the time you need to limit the agenda. I think if we talk about this upfront people will receive it as care. Let the folks you’re counseling know you’re going to try to keep things to an hour for their sake, so you might be more structured than normal. They’ll get it.
Second - environment dictates tone. If you are meeting with someone on a park bench in a city you may need to communicate sensitive things in loud voice to be heard. If you are in a small coffee shop with people all around you it might be necessary to communicate hard things in a very soft tone. The point? We need to adjust delivery for environment. With video chats, you have two environments to account for. You may have a real good set of earbuds and a nice quiet space. The person you’re counseling may be in an echo chamber with loud family outside and bad speakers. Ask them how it sounds. Don’t assume they are yelling because they’re angry. They may just feel like that’s what is needed to be heard. Because you’re in two different environments it takes work to establish the tone you want for the conversation.
Third - visibility matters. I was on a call with my small group leaders and two of the couples were totally in the dark - they were sitting in a room with terrible lighting. That can be a challenge. Make sure you’re clearly visible to the people you’re counseling in as natural a light as possible. If you’re wearing glasses because that’s what you usually do when you’re on the computer, remember that can make it difficult to see your eyes or make them look really large and angry. We don’t want angry eyes. You also want to see the other people clearly so you can get at least a little of the body language communication.
Message
Whatever agenda you've been operating on, it now needs to be shaped by present need. If you’ve been challenging a dad about weaknesses in his family leadership and he just got laid off, let God have the long term issue and you tackle the immediate trial. My approach is to let God show me counseling paths through presenting problems and not assume my assessment of the issues is always God’s priority for care in a particular conversation.
Second, keep people wanting more, not needing more. By this I mean try to make the conversation a worthwhile experience for the people you’re counseling - especially now. We don’t have those opportunities to ‘touch base’ at meetings or services, so we need to prioritize keeping their interest in talking. Did you ever have that moment where a counseling conversation was going really well and you thought, ‘now’s a good time to add this little correction in as we’re coming to the end’. Resist the temptation. Don’t open up something that has to be shut down, or requires an extended time to resolve. My goal if at all possible is to make what starts as counseling end more like fellowship - shared experience in the work of Christ in our lives. With tenuous access to people that is really important right now. Here’s a great question to keep in the back of your mind as you’re talking - ‘what Gospel truth do I want to introduce, encourage with, or celebrate as we begin to close our time together?’.
Third - Have scripture in hand. If I’m going to be meeting with someone on a video chat I’ll ask God to give me a passage of scripture to read aloud at some point. Maybe at the beginning, maybe at the end. I may even print it out and put it on the screen for both of us to read. In video counseling, the actual words of the Bible (not just sound biblical principles) can be a visceral bridge across the chasm that separates people. Isn’t that essentially how the New Testament epistles function?
Fourth - elevate the role of prayer. Of course, we pray when we counsel. But prayer distinctively breaks down the distance that the video medium creates. Praying together with your eyes closed puts people who may be miles apart in the same experiential space. We speak to a God who is equally present and active where we are and they are in the same moment and in the same way. This is mysterious, but it is not mystical. Prayer accents our fellowship as saints, our communion with the Spirit, our mutual need for grace, our family privileges with our heavenly Father, our glorious calling as followers of Christ. If you don’t know what to say, pray. If you do know what to say, pray. Let’s teach our folks the value of praying together in different locations.
Finally - is there a time when only personal contact will do? I’m sure in some of our churches things will happen over the next few months where we’ll need to venture out and meet face to face. I’m not sure in those moments we are counseling in the way I’m talking about here. At that point, we’re standing with people in crisis, in abject suffering, in unanticipated personal loss. We will still need to be wise in how we enter personal spaces, in how we love in times of coronavirus. But as good pastors have always taken risks for their people, we must accept the risk to ourselves that comes with being physically close, even as we do all we can to mitigate the risks to those around us. That requires another post.